Bob Geldof - I Don't Like Mondays
The Original GoodFellas Wedding Band Ireland
Niall Plays at Live 8
Niall is the quiet man in GoodFellas. He doesn't say much. In fact, his nickname in the organisation is Father Stone. Father Ted fans will understand that.
We share Niall's drumming talents with legend Bob Geldof, for whom he has drummed for 17 years, and that can be very irritating.
Why so, you ask?
Well, imagine being me...there you are, minding your own business, watching the rain teeming down outside, waiting on the oven chips to crisp up, and wishing your fiancee didn't watch every God forsaken soap known to man, when your phone rings.
"Hiya" says Niall.
"Are you not in Italy with BG?" says I. "What're you ringing me for?" He never rings anybody really. So either there's something wrong, or...
"I'm killed with the sunburn" he says (I glance out the window at the dogs swimming against the tide on the patio).
"Good!" I reply, letting my jealousy get the better of me.
He misses that. "Here, you'll never guess who I'm having dinner with!"
I steel myself. He has a horrendous habit of meeting my heroes. Like the time he drove David Bowie around in Dublin every day for 6 weeks.
David Bowie! My hero.
6 weeks!!!
And never said "I'm a drummer - gis a job!". Months later Bowie joined Geldof on stage in some exotic locale, and turned to Niall and said "Oh you drum AS WELL as drive???"
Or when Queen got on Geldof's tour bus for 3 days and he was hanging out with Roger Taylor and Brian May. Playing cards.
"Go on.." I said, through teeth worn down to stubs from the gritting of them, brought on by stuff like this...
"Sweet baby James!". The curses of me rang through the house, the dogs stopped swimming outside long enough to be swept away by the current of the rain p*ssing down the Cavan hillside on that June afternoon, and herself temporarily lost interest in Dot Cotton's affair with the youngfella on the market stall.
"He's not saying much though"... and he goes on to describe the meal that rockstars are given gratis everywhere they go, with the best wines and spring rolls made on the thighs of virgins and all that, while my Asda oven chips crinkle and burn in my cheap oven.
All of that is bad enough, but what I really hate him for is his Live 8 gig. Not because he got up on stage, cool as a cucumber, in front of 5.5 BILLION people worldwide and played like he always plays - like a beautiful, soulful, machine, every note crisp and even like a blanket of new snow and not one note out of place, or too over, or understated. Like he did for 2 years touring the world with Westlife - on the road so long that, for that period, he was never in any country long enough to have residency there.
No, I hate him (and love him - not in a Brokeback Mountain way or anything though) because while he was there, he took the opportunity to shake hands with Sir Paul McCartney AND get his copy of the White Album signed.
Macca is fairly unaccessible. He's constantly surrounded by a team of terminators, sorry, bodyguards, and PR people, and gofers and all that. Understandable when you consider what happened to his bandmate, John Lennon.
So Niall spies Mr. McCartney bobbing about backstage and approaches a terminator and asks if he can meet Paul and get an autograph. "No" says the bodyguard. Niall tries explaining that he's playing with Geldof and that Paul and Bob are mates and it'll be cool.
"No!" says the bodyguard while steering Niall with a monstrous shovel-sized hand out of the general area of McCartney, and almost, through sheer strength, out of London itself.
So Nialler goes to plan B...
He sees Macca heading off for a cup of tea along trajectory "A", and Niall starts off on his own trajectory - we'll call that "B", which will intercept "A" almost head on, but not quite, at point "C".
He pulls a CD out of his pocket and pretends to be studying it earnestly as he walks toward the Macca entourage. He bumps into the bodyguard whose mass sends him careering off in the direction of Paul - and it LOOKS LIKE ITS THE BODYGUARD'S FAULT! Genius!!!
"Sorry" says Niall pretending to be all a-fluster...still spinning with the impact.
"Oh janey, it's yourself!!!" He enthuses as he stops short of knocking McCartney over.
"Wouldja ever sign that for us??" he says , thrusting The Beatles best album under the nose of an actual Beatle...an ACTUAL BEATLE!!!
"Sure, no problem..." says Paul as he shakes Niall's hand.
Niall walks away from the incident, the goal of a lifetime in music achieved, a treasured trophy to show for it.
And what does he do???? What does he bloody do???
He takes out his phone and dials.
And in a kitchen in Cavan, a phone rings...
"You'll never guess who I just met???"
" Ah for f..."